Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Culture Shock: A Bedtime Story: The Not-So-Convenient Convenience Store

"Once upon a time, in a land far, far away there lived a handsome prince. This handsome prince was also quite stylish and fond of traveling. And witty. And wise. Okay, okay moving on. The prince had two lovely princess friends who he would often take walks with and have chats with over piping hot cups of hot chocolate spiked with rum. Their banter was unrivaled throughout the kingdom, and they often introduced their other noble friends to the delicious wonders of hot chocolate and rum. Because they are great friends like that. 

But this story digresseth. 

It was over one of these incredibly clever banter sessions that Princess Lily The Earth Child slipped the idea of going to the larger nearby kingdom of Big Hill to see a famous performing Lady. This Lady's shows were known throughout the land to be the most spectacularly outrageous events, and everybody who was anybody would be in attendance. It had been suspected that this Lady was also a sorceress of unnatural power, as frequently indicated by her attire and penchant for weaving spells by speaking in tongues, "rah-rah ah ah ahhh, roma ro-MA MA, gaga OH LA LA." The effect of these words was often to roll around in the helpless victim's head unceasingly for days on end until they drove him mad I WANT YOUR LOVE AND I WANT YOUR REVENGE YOU AND MEEE COULD WRITE A BA-

Ahem. 

Naturally the prince and the other princess were immediately intrigued, and began to concoct a scheme that would allow them access to this show of wonderment. After a bit of discussion (and an exchange of witticisms too profound to record), it was decided that traveling to the kingdom of Big Hill was inconvenient, as the prince and princesses would need to request leave from the kings and queens that ruled their lives five days a week. But getting invitations was tricky business indeed. Luckily, the handsome, clever, totally-undeserving-of-any-poor-luck-that-may-occur-later-in-this-story prince had a friend that was also a handsome prince in a small kingdom far, far, far in the icy North who had obtained one of the coveted invitations. So the prince wrote that handsome prince a letter requesting any information about acquiring an invitation for himself and his princess friends. That handsome and envy-inspiring prince generously sent scrolls of valuable information, but there was a small catch - a puzzle that needed solving. The scrolls were written in an ancient language composed almost entirely of symbols and pictograms, and only a scholar of that ancient language could have hoped to understand the information contained within. The Prince in the North was indeed a scholar of that tongue, unfortunately our fair heroes were not.


So, the prince and princesses used their cunning to unlock the hidden meaning of the scrolls. Because they could not hope to understand the innate meaning of the symbols, they spent an entire morning using their magics to change the symbols into words they could read and understand. This method was beguiling at best, for they learned that the Lady Sorceress was also stopping in ANOTHER kingdom. The kingdom of Horizon Beach. The kingdom of Horizon Beach was farther, but much more glamorous, and would not require requesting permission to leave the tiny kingdom the prince and princesses lived in. According to the scrolls, on a specific day at a specific time, if the prince and princesses presented themselves before a Shrine of Convenience (at any of several conveniently located marketplaces) and donated a specific amount of gold and jewels to the Gods, they would be rewarded with invitations. 

The Scarlet Princess Pauline had acquired much expertise with these Shrines, and so it was she who trained her other two friends in the arts of their use over and over before going on the Quest for the Invitations. And so it was, on the specified day, two minutes BEFORE the specified time in the morning ON A SUNDAY GODDAMMIT, that the prince and two princesses appeared before the Shrine of Convenience at the predetermined marketplace, Lawson Station. At the specified time, the Shrine of Convenience began to glow and rearrange itself into the familiar puzzle sequence that our three heroes had trained themselves to overcome. Each of them remembered a vital step of the puzzle and quickly had the Shrine glowing with the Lady Sorceress' name. Just as they were about to make their offering to the Gods the Shrine rearranged the Lady's name and displayed a message written in the ancient tongue of symbols and pictographs. 

Not having the time or patience to work on the new message, they summoned a shopkeeper and ordered them to explain the Shrine's unexpected message. After a swift glance, the shopkeeper politely explained that the Shrine was informing the nobles that all of the Lady's invitations had been given out already. There were none to be had anymore. The prince was paralyzed with disbelief, the Scarlet Princess Pauline was giving the Shrine the stink-eye, but it was Princess Lily the Earth Child who rallied her friends and led them on a quest to other nearby Shrines at other nearby market places, Family Mart and Popura respectively.

Two more times they solved the Shrines' puzzles, and two more times they were confronted with the same fateful message. The invitations were all gone. 

In a last desperate bid for what they wanted, they each tried one last tactic. The prince and the Scarlet Princess researched much more deeply into the meaning of the scrolls, while Princess Lily sent an urgent message to a friend living in a kingdom near to Horizon Beach. All ended with the same message as before: no more invitations. What was more was that they discovered that what they should have done was contract with the marketplace through bribery LIKE EVERYONE ELSE APPARENTLY  and bid for the invitations during pre-sale. Because all of the invitations had been dispersed during pre-sale and the whole idea of "general admission" was just a formality used to appease the Shrines and confuse foreigners APPARENTLY. 

So, the enraged prince and princesses amassed their armies, rode each to one of the shrines and smashed them to bits and then fired the remains from a CANON shaped like GODZILLA all the way to OKINAWA where they would be recovered, lovingly cleaned, and then melted into SCRAP for the fisherman's CHUNDER-BUCKETS THAT WILL SHOW THEM, WON'T IT?? 

And the prince and princesses continued to glare at the spot where the shrines once stood in the marketplaces angrily ever after. 

The End."

That day will forever be termed The Great Gaga Travesty of 2010. Take note, People of Earth. This was supposed to be mildly cathartic, but we'll see if the rage subsides or not.

Okay, so here's the important stuff going on with me, in order of randomly:

Books - Just finished reading The Penelopeid by Margaret Atwood. Will probably soon start Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land next.

Music - Currently obsessed with the Glee soundtrack. Just got the Glee soundtrack NUMBER TWO from my family back home. They love me. Songs I keep replaying over and over on my iPizzle include "Kings and Queens" from the new 30 Seconds to Mars album, "Don't Stop Believin'" from the first Glee soundtrack, "You Can't Always Get What You Want" from the second Glee soundtrack, "Dance in the Dark" by La Gaga, and "Break Your Heart" by Taio Cruz.

TV, Movies - Just watched The Princess and the Frog. Cute, and yay for multi-racial princesses (it's ABOUT TIME Disney!), but I feel like Disney stories are better than that. Used to be better than that? This one was a little blah with some blah flakes sprinkled on top for added meh flavor. And they had such a cool looking villain too! Too bad he didn't have more character development.

TV is bumpin'. Lily and I have almost wrapped up Eastwick (it's almost worth watching it to see how bad the writing became), and started watching the new season of Project Runway. I have undertaken the massively enjoyable task of watching every episode of How I Met Your Mother from the beginning WHAT WHAT. I have been putting off watching any more Nurse Jackie for one reason or another (read: How I Met Your Mother). And I somehow keep forgetting that my computer froze halfway through the first episode of the new season of The Real Housewives of Orange County (which is probably over by now), so I'll never get to see one of their houses get repossessed by the bank at this rate. Also, WHY ISN'T THERE MORE GLEE ALREADY?? THIS IS AMERICA AND I DEMAND MY INSTANT GRATIFICATION FOR NOTHING IN RETURN.

Health - My throat has recently gotten scratchy, magically, just today. I have been taking the American Halls cough drops my family had the foresight to send me. How could they have possibly known I would need them??

Home - I'm in a housewares phase. I need to upgrade the furnishings around here, and clean out some of the old junk that was left for me. Just got a rug. I still want new curtains, another floor chair, a toilet paper roll holder, and to get rid of this space-consuming dining room table.

Current phrase I'm trying to make happen - "chunder-bucket". See: the Sleep Talkin' Man blog. Priceless gems, right there.

Current wishes - to not be getting sick, learning Japanese via osmosis, travel agents that call you back when they say they will, lasagna

Current annoyances - see the above cathartic fairy tale; junior high girls who stare and giggle on the train; junior high boys who quickly blurt "HELLO. MY NAME IS [Blabbitybloo]." and then run away on the train; rules that regulate when the heat can and can't be turned on in the staff room at school. Here's a rule for ya: when it's COLD, turn on the damn HEAT.

Current blessings - a national holiday tomorrow which means a free day off of work, my thick comforter which is SO SOFT, green tea flavored chocolate

Current goals - go rent a suitable DVD to watch in class on Friday, do a load of laundry, get a haircut this weekend (my girl, Yukari, is a fan of my curly hair and she's having me grow it out so she can style it a little long and a little crazy. we'll see what happens...)

Hokaaaay, that's all for now. I'm gonna go nurse this here throat with medicine and my lovely comforter. Goodnight everyone! Sweet dreams!